Dancing with an Octopussy

Wow. Last night in California I went to a Salsa Club with my sister and stood at the centre of the dance floor holding a jug of Alejandro Salsa dipping sauce. This was a different kind of Night Club. My sister and I were cavity checked at point of entry and then forced to do butt-naked pushups. What the security didn’t know is that I hooped a bunch of mini organic carrots way up into my asshole.

We stood at the bar and watched people dance naked. I was then approached by a beautiful Latina girl. She was gorgeous, had the nicest smile and hairiest nipples ever. She danced in an octopus arm-waving motion around me and looked like she was squiggling around like a stupid snail doing a P90X workout routine.

I opened my jar of Jalapeño Cheddar Sauce, dipped my hand in it, and scooped out a Samsung S60
size handful of cheesy melting salsa. I swung my arm back all the way in a bowling ball throwing motion, and “SMACK!”, there it was: a handful of Alejandro Salsa slapped right in between her thighs. She was drooling cheeseful drippings. You’re probably wondering where my frog Alejandro is in the midst of this all.

Anyways, the young Girl started screaming. The intensity of those jalapeño peppers made her squirm like a munchkin. Her Salsa dance got much more exciting.

I spotted a cute little baby rabbit jumping around from the side of my eye. Awww so cute! “BOOM!” I gave that bitch one solid fucking shot in the face with two 9mm organic carrots I blasted from my asshole. “What is this baby rabbit doing in the club?? he’s under 19 for god’s sake”. I felt like a man at that moment. Something bad happened then..

My nuts enlarged by 45 cubic metres and filled up the nightclub like a balloon about to explode… “BOOOOM”!

That was just me farting. But my balls didn’t actually explode. At that moment everyone, including your mother, grabbed a straw, stabbed it right into my big nuts, and started sucking out my testicular fluids. In a total of 3 minutes, my balls returned to an average size of 0.3 Cubic Centimetres (the average size of male testicles these days because men don’t have balls anymore).

Anyways, you guessed it. I left the club with no chick to bang that night 😦 but I did have the masturbation of my LIFE!! I’ll talk about that in my next post.

FOLLOW me and comment on my posts or else I’ll fire a carrot on your head. Trust me. You don’t know where my ass has been.

STARBUCKS POOPOO IN A MICROWAVE !!!!

Mmmmmm. What was that? Did you just fart? No. I think this feels more like you just took a shit in your brand new Lululemon pants…HOLD ON. Stop. I know what you’re thinking as you stand in line at Starbucks right now ready to order your daily Chai Tea Mochiatta Latte.

Gently let go of all your public frustrations. Slowly. I said SLOWLY roll down your pink Lululemon pants from behind, as you stand in line. Fuck a Chai Tea Latte. Today we are going to make our own Cappuccino Alfredo.

Ignore the ginger bitch grinning at you from the corner table as you slowly pull down your Sharted pants (pants you have taken a big fucking shit in). Everybody is looking at you now. They can see the beautiful outline of that big giant hardcore, massive policeman rigid looking block of shit that you just took in your white Calvin Klein boxers. EVERYBODY knows what you just did.

Three people start screaming now. Froggy boy Alfredo jumps out of your recyclable orange juice bag and starts breakdancing in pubic. Not “public”. He’s break dancing on your pubes. Put your hands in the air and scream “I need everybody to follow their passions and hold my balls. Please hold my balls as I take off my white boxers!”.

Two beautiful Victoria’s Secret models slowly reach in from behind and gently grab one testicle each. As you roll down your boxers, you can’t help but get a slight semi-limp boner. Your boxers are off now and your block of shit just flops to the ground like a Tic-Tac mint. That shit is so hard that it bounced off the hardwood floor and into an 80 year old grandma’s Camomile Tea. Excellent!!!

You love tea but please heat that shit up. “WHERE IS THE FUCKING MICROWAVE PEOPLE!!!??” You yell as the ambulance people rush into the store to perform CPR on two thirteen year old girls who just fainted after seeing a cock for the first time. The Starbucks cashier bitch grabs your Camomile Tea and shoves it into an Ultrasonic Starbucks Organic Microwave. Amazing.

“Your Chai Poopoo Chamomile Tea Latte is ready sir”. There you have it. Served hot just like Mother Teresa likes it!

Homework: PLEASE go home and create your own Poopoo Latte and post Poopoo pics please (homework#2: say this 10 times quickly without stuttering) in the comments section below.

RUTABAGA VEGETABLES are for fags.

SLING POPPING !!!!!! TRY IT OUT.

JUST bought a pack of pink rubberbands. I will share with you the most coolest, AWESOME experiment In. The. Fucking. World.

Have you ever heard of “sling popping”? My dad used to do it to me as a child. It’s the moment when you tie a long rubberband around your balls, pull on it hardcore with one hand to create some tension, and release it ever so slightly that it snaps back on your nuts so hard and “POWWWWW!”. There you have it. The sound of a thousand humming birds buzzing around your fugly face.

I’m not done yet. Now that your nuts are swollen like marshmallow bowling balls, nice and juicy, you must eat a box of potato fries with your other hand and dip your nuts in Caesar salad dressing. You’re probably wondering what the goal of this experiment is, right? The goal here is to do this in a public restaurant and finish the pack of fries before a Chinese person throws a pack of pork dumplings on your forehead from across the room.

“Get down MOTHAFUCKA!!!”. The police were here. Pointing a gun at me as I was sling popping in China Town on 69th Street. I’m actually in jail right now for sling popping, but I managed to shove my iPhone up my ass so deep so that I could write this post for you. Picture a compact rectangular iPhone up your ass as you take a couple of diarreah shits in jail. Sounds like fun, yeah? It’s like having two shit streams coming out of your ass at the same time..pretty cool! Your calculator would agree.

Since I’m in jail right now, please bear with me for my next post. Hopefully I will get out in the next 24 hours. If not, then I’ll send a physical yellow post letter with my Frog Alfredo to each and every one of you. My nigga frog Alfredo can jump around, out of jail and come to your house at any time.

BUT FIRST, you need to sling pop tonight. Do that and comment on your first sling popping experience. Or else I’ll sling pop my nuts on your mom’s ass.

Next post:
POOPOO IN A MICROWAVE

MOUSE IN MY HAUSE!!

I love the sound of cricketing crickets sleeping in my window. I want to eat them slowly as they moan to me with a sound similar to that of a bloody hamster. Have you ever tantalized a cat? Put your skinny little hands in its throat and eaten it alive? I have. I believe in love. In love of the enemies that see us in spite of who we are. We are a group of people who eat off the ground. Our name is “chicklets”. Remember the time when we used to shit on ourselves and eat it? It was the tastiest thing. Ever.

I love eating my shit. Even until this day, I just want to grab my nuts and piss on the floor in front of me. I want people to see how I piss and acknowledge that I am doing this for you. Not for me. I pee on the world for fame. I want to be a peeing celebrity. Just peeing and shitting on everybody. Do you see the big picture here?

There’s a mouse in my house, and it’s about to attack ANY SECOND RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE THIS!!! Holy shit, I’m so annoyed at this mouse right now, like it’s so annoying. I can’t even type one more extra word for this blog post. Let me BRB (Be right back) and get a specific mouse spray that’s used as a deodorant and a mouse killer simultaneously. It’s called MOUSE ATTACK. Okay, so I’m going to spray this mouse and kill it. But before I do that, please remember to FOLLOW MY BLOG!

Or I will shit on you if you don’t.

CHACHAW NAW!

FIRST DAY @ SCHOOL NIGGA !!!

YO.

So I farted when I ate my last bag of Dorrito chips last night. It was the BEST FART EVER!!! I was sleeping in my moms bed and just as the clock hit 3:35am, as I was under the blanket, I ripped a SOFT one. So soft and cushy that nobody could hear it. So apparantly my mom was under the blanket and threw up while sleeping. She nearly died because my farts are abit stinky.

Anyways so I woke up, right? It was like 10:58am and I was like “FUCK SCHOOL!!”. I hate school so much because I can’t bring my pet frog Afredo there. It’s like, what kind of fucking school doesn’t let you have a pet frog with you at all times? Sitting on your desk, jumping around, raping everybody out there, including all the students and shit.. damn. I was so mad.

So I finally went to school. My mom dropped me off. But I forgot something.. I forgot that I had to rape somebody, so I quickly got a knife out of my pocket and started stabbing my leg with it. I started bleeding like a grasshopper. Suddenly I got a boner and decided to go to my first class (physics) instead of kill myself. So I put my boner facing upwards, inside my pants and opened the classroom door.

So I show up at physics class, trying to shove my dick in my teacher’s ass, lookin’ like a BAWS !!! I start break dancin’ so that everybody knows who I am. Kids start cheering because they know I’m the shit. Two niggas from the block start laughing at me, but I don’t give a fuck. I flip two fingers in the air (my middle finger and my thumb), and say “WEST SIDE NIGGA fuck ’em all”. The teacher looks at me and says “are you mad bro?”. Then she starts humping my leg. As she’s humping it, I’m jumping, the crowd is cheering, and my pet frog jumps out of my organic oranges recyclable bag and starts rapin’ EVERYBODY !!! This is crazy man. Everybody is gettin’ raped now, even the two niggas in class. And that one fat bitch on the side. Alfredo be rapin’ everybody out there tonight.

So like then I woke up, it was all a dream, so I ate two green beans and realized that I just came all over myself as I was asleep.

PEACE OUT FO NOW FOLKS! KEEP IT REAL AND DONT FORGET TO READ. Reading is good and the moral of the story is to suck your own dick in a dark parking lot with your mom hanging her ass out.